Category Archives: discuss
Discuss: To Blog Or Not To Blog…How Social Media Continues To Confound Me!
This Digital Age of Social Media and Mass Communication is a strange one for many reasons. It’s mostly a strange place to be in because so much information is being thrown at us for process that it’s hard to make sense of it in the moment…like “Is having a Facebook account a good idea?” or “Do people need to know my personal opinion on everything that goes on in the world via Twitter?”. We’re in a difficult space to form a routine around constantly changing digital trends…
Also, because this place is so new and ever-changing…we have no previous existing model to compare it to. It’s not like we can call our Mom’s and ask “Hey Mom, how did you find your voice and form a routine within Social Media when you were my age?”. We all have to figure it out as we go.
But – if you’ve noticed, not all Social Media channels are created equal. Of course they all specialize in different areas, but even the criteria for being popular varies significantly. For example…I’ve been on Twitter since 2008 (5 years) and I have 38,000 Followers and I’ve been on Instagram since 2011 (2 years) and I have 83,000 Followers. I don’t even know how to explain that…
I’m constantly battling which Social Media channels to keep on and which to turn off. Right now, I reluctantly have all of these:
Blog// Vashtie.Com
Instagram// @Vashtie
Twitter// @Vashtie
Facebook// Facebook.Com/Vashtie.Kola
Tumblr//Vashtie.Tumblr.Com
I mean, I love Instagram but do I seriously need Facebook AND Twitter? Does having a Tumblr make any sense? Is Blogging what is used to be? Its hard to answer these questions. Others offer advice, but we all do different things – what works for one person doesn’t work for another.
Anyways. This long rant is coming from Social Media overload. I love blogging and have been doing it since 2007 (6 years), but it feels like Instagram is a quick fix for satisfying the visual share in the actual moment. I love engaging with people who follow me and my work on Twitter, but does that leave Facebook obsolete? I just don’t know ya’ll…BUT I guess I couldn’t really have a conversation like this anywhere else, huh?
Let me know your thoughts and thanks for your well wishes! I hope you all are doing well!!!
DISCUSS: Heartbroken Over Newtown + How Will Our Society Address The Issue & Avoid Future Mass Shootings?
Photo via CNN.COM
I am so angry, hurt, disturbed, confused…but most of all heartbroken. The events that took place on Friday should never have happened…ever. The fact that it did…the fact that 27 people are dead, including 20 children…mere babies…just boils my blood and has me crying on the daily.
The worst part of all this, is that I (like so many of you) feel helpless.
By now, we all know the story. Adam Lanza, 20, broke into Sandy Hook Elementary School shortly after 9:30 am. He was equipped with a semiautomatic Bushmaster .223 rifle, high-capacity clips, and two handguns that were registered to Nancy Lanza (Adam’s Mother, whom he shot in the face and killed right before). Lanza went on a killing spree, shooting children (6 and 7 year olds) and teachers with numerous bullets. He killed a total of 27 people. When the police came, he turned the gun on himself.
What we don’t know is why? Why?!
Adam Lanza is said to have been incredibly smart, even genius. Sources say that he suffered from either Asperger’s Syndrome (a form of Autism) or a rare condition that caused him not to feel pain (or both). Although neither of these conditions cause any one person to be more violent than another, there was something else happening with this young man. People who knew him described him as “deeply disturbed”. His mother feared she was “losing him” and rarely talked about her troubled son to friends.
So many questions arise regarding Mental Health, Gun Laws & Public Safety.
We as a society need a way that we can detect this disconnect in human beings. A test or a diagnosis. Of course it couldn’t be something that says “hey your baby will be a killer so keep him imprisoned”, but it could be something like “hey, this kid has some issues and you should probably keep him under watch”.
Many people who suffer from mental, social or emotional disorders are not violent and live life without ever committing crimes – but, there are definitely other deranged people out there like Adam Lanza or James Holmes (The “Batman Killer”) who show visible signs of not being all there that we need to begin to understand. When things like this happen, surrounding people always say in hindsight “I knew there was something wrong with them”. That “something” is what we need to be aware of beforehand…
This time, we’re facing one of the most gruesome events to happen in America. I’m angry that one unfortunate and sick individual took away so many good people, young children who had their whole bright futures ahead of them. Not only is this painful for the families, it’s hurt an entire nation and it’s impacting the entire world.
I know eventually we will get more details, but the little we know now is confusing. While I am sorry for the loss of Nancy Lanza and feel terrible that her life was taken by her youngest son, I am confused as to why she was such a “gun enthusiast”. Why she owned guns and not only guns but military style guns that she trained her “deeply disturbed” son to use. That sounds insane to me, no matter how anyone has explained it. TheDailyBeast had something to say about this also…
Why is it that weapons fit for a war are available for purchase by anyone who can fill out a questionnaire? Why is it a simple process to buy a gun? Where are the background checks, especially for people with family members who have syndromes that demonstrate limited empathy for their peers? No – that doesn’t automatically make them killers or crazy, but that could effect their actions if they stumbled upon a weapon.
We need to know the signs and we need to know how to prevent this from ever happening again. I know its impossible to avoid all crimes, but mass shootings like these are happening all too frequently (See List Here). There must be some connection, some way to identify it before it gets to this point.
Blogger, Liza Long, wrote a compelling article titled “I Am Adam Lanza’s Mother” which discusses her life as the mother of a 13 year old son who at times has violent outbursts. She brings up the topic of mental illness in this country, how we lack the proper care and questions how we approach it.
“No one wants to send a 13-year-old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken health-care system, does not provide us with other options. Then another tortured soul shoots up a fast-food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten classroom. And we wring our hands and say, “Something must be done.”
I agree that something must be done. It’s time for a meaningful, nationwide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way our nation can ever truly heal.”
She brings up important points. Even if we found a system to pinpoint those most at risk for committing these unspeakable crimes, how do we prevent them? How do we treat them? Imprisonment doesn’t solve the problem…it could only stall, if not fuel or worsen the problem. We as a society need to find a healthy solution.
What do you guys think?
ARTICLE: Two Lists You Should Look at Every Morning by Peter Bregman
I just found this article from surfing the inter-web and its so good I had to share. It was published in 2009, but is still overwhelmingly relevant at the moment…if not more. I think its extremely interesting and serves as a good guide to put things in perspective during this strange age of over-communication and distractions. Read it and let me know what you “thank”!
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found on HARVARD BUSINESS REVIEW BLOG
I was late for my meeting with the CEO of a technology company and I was emailing him from my iPhone as I walked onto the elevator in his company’s office building. I stayed focused on the screen as I rode to the sixth floor. I was still typing with my thumbs when the elevator doors opened and I walked out without looking up. Then I heard a voice behind me, “Wrong floor.” I looked back at the man who was holding the door open for me to get back in; it was the CEO, a big smile on his face. He had been in the elevator with me the whole time. “Busted,” he said.
The world is moving fast and it’s only getting faster. So much technology. So much information. So much to understand, to think about, to react to. A friend of mine recently took a new job as the head of learning and development at a mid-sized investment bank. When she came to work her first day on the job she turned on her computer, logged in with the password they had given her, and found 385 messages already waiting for her.
So we try to speed up to match the pace of the action around us. We stay up until 3 am trying to answer all our emails. We twitter, we facebook, and we link-in. We scan news websites wanting to make sure we stay up to date on the latest updates. And we salivate each time we hear the beep or vibration of a new text message.
But that’s a mistake. The speed with which information hurtles towards us is unavoidable (and it’s getting worse). But trying to catch it all is counterproductive. The faster the waves come, the more deliberately we need to navigate. Otherwise we’ll get tossed around like so many particles of sand, scattered to oblivion. Never before has it been so important to be grounded and intentional and to know what’s important.
Never before has it been so important to say “No.” No, I’m not going to read that article. No, I’m not going to read that email. No, I’m not going to take that phone call. No, I’m not going to sit through that meeting.
It’s hard to do because maybe, just maybe, that next piece of information will be the key to our success. But our success actually hinges on the opposite: on our willingness to risk missing some information. Because trying to focus on it all is a risk in itself. We’ll exhaust ourselves. We’ll get confused, nervous, and irritable. And we’ll miss the CEO standing next to us in the elevator.
A study of car accidents by the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute put cameras in cars to see what happens right before an accident. They found that in 80% of crashes the driver was distracted during the three seconds preceding the incident. In other words, they lost focus — dialed their cell phones, changed the station on the radio, took a bite of a sandwich, maybe checked a text — and didn’t notice that something changed in the world around them. Then they crashed.
The world is changing fast and if we don’t stay focused on the road ahead, resisting the distractions that, while tempting, are, well, distracting, then we increase the chances of a crash.
Now is a good time to pause, prioritize, and focus. Make two lists:
List 1: Your Focus List (the road ahead)
What are you trying to achieve? What makes you happy? What’s important to you? Design your time around those things. Because time is your one limited resource and no matter how hard you try you can’t work 25/8.
List 2: Your Ignore List (the distractions)
To succeed in using your time wisely, you have to ask the equally important but often avoided complementary questions: what are you willing not to achieve? What doesn’t make you happy? What’s not important to you? What gets in the way?
Some people already have the first list. Very few have the second. But given how easily we get distracted and how many distractions we have these days, the second is more important than ever. The leaders who will continue to thrive in the future know the answers to these questions and each time there’s a demand on their attention they ask whether it will further their focus or dilute it.
Which means you shouldn’t create these lists once and then put them in a drawer. These two lists are your map for each day. Review them each morning, along with your calendar, and ask: what’s the plan for today? Where will I spend my time? How will it further my focus? How might I get distracted? Then find the courage to follow through, make choices, and maybe disappoint a few people.
After the CEO busted me in the elevator, he told me about the meeting he had just come from. It was a gathering of all the finalists, of which he was one, for the title of Entrepreneur of the Year. This was an important meeting for him — as it was for everyone who aspired to the title (the judges were all in attendance) — and before he entered he had made two explicit decisions: 1. To focus on the meeting itself and 2. Not to check his BlackBerry.
What amazed him was that he was the only one not glued to a mobile device. Were all the other CEOs not interested in the title? Were their businesses so dependent on them that they couldn’t be away for one hour? Is either of those a smart thing to communicate to the judges?
There was only one thing that was most important in that hour and there was only one CEO whose behavior reflected that importance, who knew where to focus and what to ignore. Whether or not he eventually wins the title, he’s already winning the game.
DISCUSS: Un-Romancing The Horse And Carriage
*Aleksandr Petrovsky & Carrie Bradshaw in “Sex And The City”
Right off the bat, you all know I’m definitely not the stereotype of a girl when it comes to most things…this also includes the topic of romance. I’ve never fantasized about my wedding, I don’t swoon over flowers and I’d find it super uncomfortable if a guy asked me to ride a horse and carriage. Despite really not preferring those actions, I can appreciate the thought…I’m not entirely a dude.
The horse and carriage topic makes me uncomfortable for reasons other than my inability to stomach a cheesy romantic moment.
If you live in New York or have visited, you are probably aware of those horse carriages lining Central Park. In the blistering Summer heat or the numbing Winter cold, they’re out there. Dressed like they’ve just trotted out of a silly romance novel with feathers and trinkets adorning them, wooing tourists and serving as memorable moments for couples in love.
At quick glance, most people might just be in awe of seeing these beautiful creatures strangely placed in such an overwhelming metropolis like New York. But, if you really look at it you might notice how sad these horses are and how absurdly dangerous it not only looks, but actually is. They’re trotting on the concrete next to bumper to bumper traffic, and sometimes right in the thick of it. Not only is it dangerous for them, but for the people around them.
*A Horse and Carriage in Traffic (Images via New York Times)
*A Horse and Car Accident (Images via HuffingtonPost.Com)
The more I researched this topic the more I found horrible statistics of cruelty, accidents, and deaths. I can’t even get into the animal cruelty, it’s just sick. I know I’m getting all Lisa Simpson here, but abusing anyone who is helpless to your power is sick (human or not). These beautiful creatures are not housed in barns or anything else that would actually make sense. NO – they’re housed in old tenement buildings where they’re forced up stairs (yes, stairs) and into small areas where they are unable to lay down or move. Even Jon Stewart once referred to the area where they keep them as “The sad-eyed horse carriage district” and believe me, it’s sad.
According to NYCLASS.ORG:
“They routinely work at least 9 hours a day, pulling a vehicle that weighs hundreds of pounds, on hard pavement, while breathing exhaust from cars, buses and taxis. Unaccustomed to the urban environment, horses can be “spooked” easily and cause accidents that inflict great damage on vehicles, drivers and most often, the horses themselves. There were six accidents in the Summer and Fall months of 2011 alone”
Yes, spooked and anything can spook them – flashing lights, loud noises, masses of people. Sounds like all the elements of a city, right? Like, exactly where they should not be. Oh and get this. When they can’t work anymore they’re auctioned off and inhumanely slaughtered into horse meat and sold in Mexico and Canada. It sounds like a sick horror movie, right?
*A Horse and Car Accident (Images via In Defense Of Animals)
I found this trailer for the documentary “BLINDERS” that discusses this entire nightmare of an issue in depth. Please watch it:
*An electrocuted horse (Images via BlindersTheMovie.Com)
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More Facts About Horse Drawn Carriages In New York:
1. New York City Has The Highest Horse-Drawn Carriage Accident Rate In The Country:
There are cases from horses getting spooked and running into traffic to cabs plowing into the animals, all of which leave injured or dead victims.
2. Public Safety:
Not only is it an issue for the horses, but for the humans surrounding them.
3. Traffic Congestion:
No explanation needed. As if New York needs more traffic!
4. Poor Sanitation:
Most times the Carriage Drivers don’t clean up after the horses, which is a terrible experience to walk by – but, also creates concern for disease which could transfer from animals to humans.
5. Lack Of Economic Benefits for New York City:
The Horse Carriage business is cash only and not meter regulated, which means – that money does not benefit New York City.
Not only that, but New York City has to pay to hundreds of thousands of dollars annually to monitor the horses and repair damages left by the carriages.
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Some could argue that “there are more important things to fight for” and sure that is true. In that case, I’d suggest those people fight for those causes that are important to them and educate people as I am or as these organizations do. No need to argue what is more important, just do something…anything. Others could argue that these horses, without a job, would end up as horse meat faster. While that could be true, why have them live a terrible life with the same inevitable end? If horse carriages are so important, why not do it right? Build stables and contain them in environments natural to them? If not, why should they and innocent people suffer from the mistake of having them in environments that are unfit for them?
I know this DISCUSS Post was a bit more of me informing and stating my own opinion, rather than fairly giving both sides. I feel very strongly about this and wanted to say it. I think Horse Carriages are inhumane and outdated, I also think it’s a major safety concern for the people around them. You are more than welcome to have your opinion. You may disagree with me and you may not care, thats cool too. That is the beauty of this country (and my blog, I don’t censor). I just thought it would be important (as I always do) to share my finds.
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IF YOU WOULD LIKE…
SIGN THE PETITION HERE
NYCLASS.ORG
DISCUSS: Super Bowl XLVI x Giants Win x Madonna’s Halftime Show
I made Vladimir a custom Giant’s Shirt and he hated me for it (Taken with Instagram)
Last night I held a small soiree for the Superbowl. At some point ELLE made a comment, “Vashtie, you know nothing about sports”. She was right, but…I love, love, love New York. I was also wearing a vintage New York Giants Shirt and a super dope vintage Giants Painters Cap. I responded. “Shhh…they don’t know (looking over at the boys). I’m passing, girl”.
Look. I didn’t grow up with sports, which is where most people are exposed to it. My dad only had an interest in Wrestling and Boxing, which in hindsight is darkly comedic knowing our domestic abuse situation. My brother was gay and although that doesn’t mean he was wearing dresses, he was more into Sci-Fi and Clubbing which furthers my point that I had no sports exposure in my household. By the time I was a pre-teen, the only sports I was interested in was skateboarding and drawing. After that it was high school and we all know the stereotypes that the media has thrust upon us, art nerds and jocks don’t mix. I could go on to discuss other points like how I believed (and maybe still do) the culture of sports and the politics of religion mentally confine us, but that would be boring.
A few of my close friends now are a breed of sport-loving, high school jocks who also understand art. Never before have I had friends who have loved sports…I mean never. In high school some of my homegirls played basketball or soccer (I went to an all-girls high school), but we weren’t watching games or talking about players…we were sneaking into raves and hanging out in the park. I have no recollection of my guy friends being sports fans – they were more into flipping through issues of Transworld Skate Magazines, defacing city property, or watching X Games.
( L to R, Top to Bottom: Greg Kubie, Young Scoozle sipping on Patriots Blood, John-Paul Belle, Harry McNally, Victor Cruz & Sam)
With my new crew, I have been taking sports (well, New York Sports Teams) more seriously. The only reason I haven’t fully committed is because, despite displaying an even temper and calm demeanor, I have a hot head (Thanks Dad) when it comes to my attachments. With my temper I’d easily become a soccer hooligan flipping cars over after a loss or trash talking the opposite team any chance I got. This is why sports and I can only be friends. We can flirt – but that’s where it has to end.
Anyways – I’m very excited about the GIANTS win last night (sorry PATRIOTS) and Madonna’s Halftime Show was murder! She’s 53!!! I’m saying though, she has more flexibility than most young girls I know. I was thoroughly entertained and loved every second.
What did you guys think about the show?
read: 10 YEARS LATER – AN INTERESTING READ VIA VANISHINGNEWYORK
As a New Yorker, this article resonated with me as if I had found my diary entry on another blog. “Strumming my pain with his fingers…”
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(posted by JEREMIAH MOSS at VANISHING NEWYORK)
“Until 9/11, New York was not quite America.
In 1977’s Annie Hall, Woody Allen joked: “the failure of the country to get behind New York City is anti-Semitism… The rest of the country looks upon New York like we’re left-wing Communist, Jewish, homosexual, pornographers.”
At the same time, a spokesman for Gerald Ford, in those “drop dead” days of fiscal crisis, compared New York to “a wayward daughter hooked on heroin.” Throughout the 20th century, the city was seen as the anti-America, a space apart, exceptional. Despite Giuliani’s Disneyfication efforts, this vision of the city continued through the 1990s, when New York magazine’s cover story explained “Why America Hates New York.” In short, we were liberal, multicultural, and bereft of the right-wing’s version of Christian Family Values.
It was a badge of honor that many New Yorkers, especially Manhattanites, wore with pride. The city was different, brighter, better than the Heartland. It eschewed suburban norms and snubbed the shopping mall. It was a beacon to those of us who never fell in step with the “American way”–the artsy, lefty, Commie, and queer among us—and we came here to make art, make a mess, and find ourselves in a city that embraced and understood us in ways our hometowns and families of origin never could.
Then it all changed.
(photo via ACCORDING TO G)
On the morning after 9/11, the fractured, frightened city awoke to find itself cradled in the arms of the nation. It was a major turning point. After that terrible day, we heard the phrase “We are all New Yorkers” echoed across the country and the globe. Suddenly, New York was viewed as acceptably American as apple pie. The New York Observer proclaimed, “The Heartland Loves New York.” Lower East Side radicals who had once burned the flag in protest were now hanging Old Glory from their fire escapes. For a little while, it felt good to be accepted into the fold. But then the floodgates opened. Despite the consistently high terror threat level, the city now seemed safe, familiar, normal, and newcomers with suburban sensibilities flowed in, giddy to realize their Sex and the City dreams.
In the past decade, more than ever, New York City has become a vertical Suburbia—complete with big-box shopping mall experiences, golf courses, and condos that function like gated communities with manicured rooftop lawns and barbecues. The city has lost its cranky, critical, cultural soul. Ten years after 9/11, we are no longer the black sheep. We’re just like everybody else.
As Fran Lebowitz recently said in an interview, “Present-day New York has been made to attract people who didn’t like New York. That’s how we get a zillion tourists here, especially American tourists, who never liked New York. Now they like New York. What does that mean? Does that mean they’ve suddenly become much more sophisticated? No. It means that New York has become more like the places they come from.”
Maybe the terrorists have “won” after all.”
(photo via ACCORDING TO G)
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Well written! I could not have put it better myself. It truly sums up how sad I am about the state of NEW YORK…well the city, you know.
I’d love to hear what other New Yorkers think…
discuss: SKIN WHITENING – YAY OR (HELL) NAY?
I stumbled upon a blog post on CLAW’S BLOG about this very topic a few weeks ago, in which I learned about a recent skin bleaching celebrity…I was aware of such bleached faces like SAMMY SOSA, but now…
I was mortified to find VYBZ KARTEL donning a new shade of skin tone.
I don’t quite know where this trend of bleaching skin began, but I became aware of it as a youth. I was first introduced to the strange phenomenon while hanging out with Jamaican friends and listening to reggae tunes like “DEM A BLEACH” (the song talks about this very act of bleaching your skin). I remember thinking, “why on earth would you EVER bleach your skin?”. I loved having brown skin and I couldn’t understand. In fact, I always wanted my skin darker so I would douse myself in baby oil and lay in the sun every Summer (until I learned skin cancer doesn’t discriminate).
As I got older, I started to realize skin lightening was occurring in many places; Asia, India, Africa, even the United States. Sometimes I see little Asian women in Chinatown with umbrellas in the Summer, shielding them from tanning sun rays.
Maybe it had always existed like those other age-old beautifying treatments, like ear candling or threading eyebrows? Was it freedom to choose or the subconscious effects of racism put in place by a previous majority rule? I mean – those underlying notions in the world that lighter eyes, lighter skin, good hair are “better” couldn’t have just evolved by themselves.
I can understand wanting to try something new and change your look, but I’ve never been interested in cosmetic attempts to fit in. Maybe I’m not as liberal on the topic as most people – I also think that cosmetic surgery is unnecessary, unless in the case of reconstructing or for health reasons.
*photo by VASHTIE (from an Indian market in NYC)
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We all watched the progression of a very black Michael Jackson become much lighter. His condition of Vitiligo had apparently forced him to use skin bleach in order to create an even skin tone. If all that was true, I could understand why someone would want to bleach their skin. Skin disfigurements corrected by lightening seemed sensible, but what about the situations where people just wanted to be lighter? Does it come from a self-hatred or is it just our 21st Century option to enhance our outer appearance?
VYBZ gave a statement to VIBE (as peeped on MISSINFO’S BLOG):
“I’m my own man, and as such I do my own thing. When black women stop straightening their hair and wearing wigs and weaves, when white women stop getting lip and butt injections and implants, when bald men stop getting hair transplants, and when people stop getting nose jobs and cosmetic surgery then I’ll stop using the ‘cakesoap’ and we’ll all live naturally ever after. Until then F**k you all.”
I guess, he has a point. “To Each Their Own”…especially if we’re all trying to “perfect” our appearance in some way or another. Maybe if he likes the way he looks, what does it matter what I (or you) think…
I believe everyone has the right to choose, but I also believe there is beauty in flaws. It’s what makes us. I mean, you don’t confuse FRIDA KAHLO’S face (mustache and unibrow) for anyone but her. Think about when 80′s screen queen of such flicks like “DIRTY DANCING”, Jennifer Grey, had her prominent nose surgically enhanced. No one could recognize her anymore and she seemingly faded from the spotlight.
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I leave you with this speech from the late and great, MALCOLM X:
“Who taught you to hate the texture of your hair?
Who taught you to hate the color of your skin, to such extent that you bleach to get like the white man?
Who taught you to hate the shape of your nose, and the shape of your lips?
Who taught you to hate yourself, from the top of your head to the soles of your feet?”
discuss: 20 QUESTIONS THAT COULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE (BY MARTHA BECK, VIA OPRAH.COM)
Okay, I am an Oprah watcher. I mean, I know you’re not surprised – a. I have a TV, b. I have lady parts (a surprise for some) and c. I have tear ducts that I like to excercise. I also have a mother, which makes me an automatic life long viewer of OPRAH. I grew up with her after school and now as an adult, late night on my TIVO when I can spare it. Her programming has been very educational for me and her FAREWELL SEASON has been ON POINT! And on the internet, her website has been dropping knowledge bombs for a minute.
My sister recently sent me this article “20 Questions That Could Change Your Life” (by Martha Beck) that I knew I needed to share with you all. It’s so good and I think you all could benefit from at least giving it a once over.
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(Oprah.com) — If you’re like most people, you became obsessed with questions around the age of two or three, and scientists now know that continuing to ask them can help keep your mind nimble however old you eventually become.
So when someone suggested I put together a list of the 20 most important questions we should all be asking ourselves, I was thrilled. Initially.
Then I became confused about which questions to ask, because of course, as I soon realized, context is everything. In terms of saving your life, the key question is, “Did I remember to fasten my seat belt?” In terms of saving money, “How much do I need to retire before I’m 90?” is a strong contender. If daily usefulness is the point, “What’ll I wear?” and “What should I eat first?” might lead the list. And for the philosophically minded, “To be or not to be?” really is the question.
Because I’m far too psychologically fragile to make sense of this subjective morass, I made the bold decision to pass the buck. The 20 questions that follow are based on “crowdsourcing,” meaning I asked a whole mess of actual, free-range women what they thought every woman should ask herself. Thanks to all of you who sent in entries via social media.
The questions included here are composites of those that were suggested most often, though I’ve mushed them together and rephrased some for brevity. Asking them today could redirect your life. Answering them every day will transform it.
1. What questions should I be asking myself?
At first I thought asking yourself what you should be asking yourself was redundant. It isn’t. Without this question, you wouldn’t ask any others, so it gets top billing. It creates an alert, thoughtful mind state, ideal for ferreting out the information you most need in every situation. Ask it frequently.
2. Is this what I want to be doing?
This very moment is, always, the only moment in which you can make changes. Knowing which changes are best for you comes, always, from assessing what you feel. Ask yourself many times every day if you like what you’re doing. If the answer is no, start noticing what you’d prefer. Thus begins the revolution.
3. Why worry?
These two words, considered sincerely, can radically reconfigure the landscape of your mind. Worry rarely leads to positive action; it’s just painful, useless fear about hypothetical events, which scuttles happiness rather than ensuring it. Some psychologists say that by focusing on gratitude, we can shut down the part of the brain that worries. It actually works!
4. Why do I like {cupcakes} more than I like {people}?
Feel free to switch out the words in brackets: You may like TV more than exercise, or bad boys more than nice guys, or burglary more than reading. Whatever the particulars, every woman has something she likes more than the somethings she’s supposed to like. But forcing “virtues” — trying to like people more than cupcakes — drives us to vices that offer false freedom from oppression. Stop trying to like the things you don’t like, and many vices will disappear on their own.
5. How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it?
Your existence is already a factor in world history — now, what sort of factor do you want it to be? Maybe you know you’re here to create worldwide prosperity, a beautiful family, or one really excellent bagel. If your impressions are more vague, keep asking this question. Eventually you’ll glimpse clearer outlines of your destiny. Live by design, not by accident.
6. How do I want to be different because I lived in this world?
In small ways or large, your life will change the world — and in small ways or large, the world will change you. What experiences do you want to have during your brief sojourn here? Make a list. Make a vision board. Make a promise. This won’t control your future, but it will shape it.
7. Are {vegans} better people?
Again, it doesn’t have to be vegans; the brackets are for you to fill in. Substitute the virtue squad that makes you feel worst about yourself, the one you’ll never have the discipline to join, whether it’s ultra-marathoners or mothers who never raise their voices. Whatever group you’re asking about, the answer to this question is no.
8. What is my body telling me?
As I often say, my mind is a two-bit whore — by which I mean that my self-justifying brain, like any self-justifying brain, will happily absorb beliefs based on biases, ego gratification, magical thinking, or just plain error. The body knows better. It’s a wise, capable creature. It recoils from what’s bad for us, and leans into what’s good. Let it.
9. How much junk could a chic chick chuck if a chic chick could chuck junk?
I believe this question was originally posed by Lao Tzu, who also wrote, “To become learned, each day add something. To become enlightened, each day drop something.” Face it: You’d be better off without some of your relationships, many of your possessions, and most of your thoughts. Chuck your chic-chick junk, chic chick. Enlightenment awaits.
10. What’s so funny?
Adults tend to put this question to children in a homicidal-sounding snarl, which is probably why as you grew up, your laughter rate dropped from 400 times a day (for toddlers) to the grown-up daily average of 15. Regain your youth by laughing at every possible situation. Then, please, tell us what’s funny — about everyday life, about human nature, even about pain and fear. We’ll pay you anything.
Oprah.com: How 3 words can put you on the path to happiness
11. Where am I wrong?
This might well be the most powerful question on our list — as Socrates believed, we gain our first measure of intelligence when we first admit our own ignorance. Your ego wants you to avoid noticing where you may have bad information or unworkable ideas. But you’ll gain far more capability and respect by asking where you’re wrong than by insisting you’re right.
12. What potential memories am I bartering, and is the profit worth the price?
I once read a story about a world where people sold memories the way we can sell plasma. The protagonist was an addict who’d pawned many memories for drugs but had sworn never to sell his memory of falling in love. His addiction won. Afterward he was unaware of his loss, lacking the memory he’d sold. But for the reader, the trade-off was ghastly to contemplate. Every time you choose social acceptance over your heart’s desires, or financial gain over ethics, or your comfort zone over the adventure you were born to experience, you’re making a similar deal. Don’t.
13. Am I the only one struggling not to {fart} during {yoga}?
I felt profoundly liberated when this issue was raised on Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update.” Not everyone does yoga, but SNL reminded me that everyone dreads committing some sort of gaffe. Substitute your greatest shame-fear: crying at work, belching in church, throwing up on the prime minister of Japan. Then know you aren’t alone. Everyone worries about such faux pas, and many have committed them (well, maybe not the throwing up on PMs). Accepting this is a bold step toward mental health and a just society.
14. What do I love to practice?
Some psychologists believe that no one is born with any particular talent and that all skill is gained through practice. Studies have shown that masters are simply people who’ve practiced a skill intensely for 10,000 hours or more. That requires loving — not liking, loving — what you do. If you really want to excel, go where you’re passionate enough to practice.
15. Where could I work less and achieve more?
To maximize time spent practicing your passions, minimize everything else. These days you can find machines or human helpers to assist with almost anything. Author Timothy Ferriss “batches” job tasks into his famous “four-hour workweek.” My client Cindy has an e-mail ghostwriter. Another client, Angela, hired an assistant in the Philippines who flawlessly tracks her schedule and her investments. Get creative with available resources to find more time in your life and life in your time.
16. How can I keep myself absolutely safe?
Ask this question just to remind yourself of the answer: You can’t. Life is inherently uncertain. The way to cope with that reality is not to control and avoid your way into a rigid little demi-life, but to develop courage. Doing what you long to do, despite fear, will accomplish this.
17. Where should I break the rules?
If everyone kept all the rules, we’d still be practicing cherished traditions like child marriage, slavery, and public hangings. The way humans become humane is by assessing from the heart, rather than the rule book, where the justice of a situation lies. Sometimes you have to break the rules around you to keep the rules within you.
18. So say I lived in that fabulous house in Tuscany, with untold wealth, a gorgeous, adoring mate, and a full staff of servants…then what?
We can get so obsessed with acquiring fabulous lives that we forget to live. When my clients ask themselves this question, they almost always discover that their “perfect life” pastimes are already available. Sharing joy with loved ones, spending time in nature, finding inner peace, writing your novel, plotting revenge — you can do all these things right now. Begin!
19. Are my thoughts hurting or healing?
Your situation may endanger your life and limbs, but only your thoughts can endanger your happiness. Telling yourself a miserable mental story about your circumstances creates suffering. Telling yourself a more positive and grateful story, studies show, increases happiness. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, choose thoughts that knit your heart together, rather than tear it apart.
20. Really truly: Is this what I want to be doing?
It’s been several seconds since you asked this. Ask it again. Not to make yourself petulant or frustrated — just to see if it’s possible to choose anything, and I mean any little thing, that would make your present experience more delightful. Thus continues the revolution.
