For this edition of School Girl Crush retrospect, we’re time traveling back to the seventies–but technically the late nineties. And that particular statement encompasses what the object of our long term affection is, a throwback sitcom based on the throwbacks of one of the coolest decades: That ’70s Show.
Since its debut in 1996, this teen driven sitcom has managed to reign as one of my top three favorite shows of all time. It contains a range of elements: a unique angle, stellar theme song, comedy, satire, drama, angst and even common adolescent issues, no matter the subject. All of the above were responsible for the show’s rise to the mantle of classics. But as expected, the most magnetic component to the show’s wonder is their cast and characters. Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie and Fez each bring something integral and warm to the show. Even if you can’t identify with one of them yourself, you’re still able to recognize those you know in their personalities. Thus, a friendship like connection–from character to audience–is born, and hanging out in the Forman’s basement starts to feel like home with every episode.
And when you become part of the gang, you’re more prone to catch a couple of feelings, right? C’mon. Maybe it’s Kelso’s laugh that sends your heart into a sprint. Could it be Fez’s dancing skills that pushes you into a daydream? Does Eric’s sarcastic approach to life mesmerize you? Perhaps everything about Hyde–sideburns and ‘fro included–makes your stomach flip?
So many goods in each guy! But you can’t just walk away with all of them. Nah, this is a one man per participant type of thing. Which is why we’re going to make things easier for you by playing “The Dating Game” for a bit. Four bachelors, all different and awesome in their own way for specific scenarios, are up for grabs. So get out those boyfriend checklists and read on to scope out which That ’70s Show guy is perfect for you.
Bachelor #1: Eric Albert Forman
Nicknames: Forman, Dumbass, Erica, Twitchy, Mr. Nude, Foreplay, Foreskin, Scrawny Little Neighbor Boy, Skinny Dillhole, Erica, Doctor Pee Pee
Eric Forman, leader of the gang, can be described as your typical boy next door. Relatable, genuine and sensitive, but with a dash of dry humor, this bachelor is most likely to win the heart of anyone who seeks a best friend in a partner, first. Wit is his forte–he can slice anyone down with a smart aleck quickness. Well, make that everyone except Red, his ass kickin’, tough as nails father.
And while Eric lacks athleticism and lack of burliness (Donna Pinciotti once teased he looks like a Blow Pop), don’t underestimate him. This guy packs a bit of punch and fight. He stands up for his crew and family, especially when they’re being taken advantage of or belittled. Word on the street has it that he threatened Casey Kelso after hearing he was using Donna for a one night stand.
On another occasion, he punched a guy for bragging about his father’s job loss. Oh, and last but not least, he’s never afraid to go toe to toe with his father in his mother’s defense. No one messes with Kitty Forman, no one. That’s right, Eric Forman is a stand-up guy. Once you’ve got him, you’ve got him. He’s loyal to a fault, and will hold you so high, he’ll regard you as the muse you are. Not only that, but he’ll strive to be a better person for the both of you. Talk about a safe bet. Or, to put it another way, he’s Cory Matthews…on the rocks.
Should all these things peak your interest, Eric is your man. You can start out your date with a cruise in his 1969 Vista Cruiser to a nice candlelit dinner before ending the evening with Star Wars, Eric’s favorite movie. He likens himself to Luke Skywalker, since the two share so many similarities. I mean, haircut, slim and wiry build, heart of gold. Yeah, I can dig it. So be sure to stay current on your sci-fi game, because with the right moves, you could be the Princess Leia he needs.
Bachelor #2: Steven Hyde
Nicknames: Hyde, Heidi, Han Solo
Occupation: Record Store Owner/Manager
How does one describe Steven Hyde? Rebel. Revolutionary in the making. Tortured soul. Cool as hell. Rock-star. He’s the kind of guy you bring home if you want to piss off your parents. They’ll be up tight about your choice for brief moment. But after they get over his rugged looks and work to find the person behind those tinted aviators, they’ll fall in love. Why? Well, because despite all the things Steven lacks in life–a traditional and stable home, a mother and father, and carefree childhood to look back on–he makes up for it with devotion.
After you dig beneath his protective layers of concrete, you’ll find a modern day Romeo. A man who’ll risk it all so you won’t lose everything. A guy who may lack the money to lace you up in diamonds, so, instead, he gifts you with something extremely sentimental, his favorite Led Zeppelin t-shirt. He’s the kind of man to swing on someone if your honor is threatened, and then crack open a beer as he discusses his disdain for government authority. Oh, and he’s woke as hell. He’ll teach all he knows, including the method behind his swag.
Hyde even had Jackie in the palm of his hand at one point. She wanted to show she was down, and the only thing she could draw inspiration from was Sandy’s bad girl transformation in Grease. All of this led to an unforgettable dream in her head and a parody that found Steven Hyde in Danny Zuko’s old moto boots.
*Remember when I stated satire as one of the show’s unique elements? This is a great example of that. They’re simple in nature, however, the chemistry between cast members is what delivers the humor. The energy is silly–comparable to watching your closest friends perform in a school theater production.
But Steven Hyde doesn’t want a faux bad girl. He just wants authenticity from someone who lays all their cards out on the table.
Sound like your kind of guy?
A night out with Steven consists of sitting atop the hood of car as you both star gaze and listen to Pink Floyd. There will be deadpan humor and lots of conspiracy theories to share–we bet he’ll bring up that damn car that runs on water.
Bachelor #3: Michael Christopher Kelso
Nicknames: Kelsmo, Kelslow, Kelslchmo, Kettlehead, Cadet Mike, Michelle, Tater Nuts, Big Chief Brown Bottom, The King, Crap Shoes, Jughead, The Head Dummy, Don Juan El Trado, Prettyboy Moron
Occupation: Police Officer
“I’m what’s known as ‘man pretty’.”—Michael Kelso
Yeah, we know. With feathered hair, eyelashes that go on for days and cheek bones to die for, it’s hard to dispute his narcissistic statement. However, for every hunky positive, there’s a negative. And in Kelso’s case, his might be a deal breaker. He’s a cheater, a serious one. Kelso cheated on Jackie with Eric’s sister, Laurie and also Pam Macy. The guy just couldn’t keep it in his pants. In his defense, he later found the reason behind his cheating to stem from Jackie’s bad mouthing. I know, no excuses, but there are still some pros to this bachelor.
He’s completely lovable at first sight and harnesses the light-hearted playfulness of a golden labrador puppy. He moves goofy, like a physical comedian. Wide-mouthed smiles occupy his face all day, as he finds any reason to crack up and call out a good burn. All of the above makes it easy to write Kelso off as a dim wit. But the dude definitely has a few lights on upstairs. He can run through a math equation like no one’s business and also repair things without breaking a sweat–like Eric’s Pong machine. And how could anyone forget the grand fabrications he can conjure?
Because Kelso prefers to for his lover to wear the pants, his dream date is your dream date. Want to catch a chick flick? Kelso is with it. Want to gossip over milk shakes? He’ll entertain you. Want to dress him up as David Bowie a la Ziggy Stardust? Go for it. Whatever you want to do, he’s game. Consider him your personal boy toy.
Bachelor #4: Fez
Nicknames: The Foreign Kid, Anwar, Tonto, Desi, Fezzy, Johnny Table, Anlar, Mushmouth, Prince Edwardo, Ferrari
Occupation: DMV Clerk
No one has much knowledge about Fez or where he hails from. All we know is that his real name starts with five ‘k’s’ and each of them are silent. So, our Point Place, Wisconsin gang came up with the nickname Fez, an acronym for foreign exchange student.
Funny and easy going, Fez is never one to bring the drama. He only brings the good times. And even throughout his cravings for kisses and other intimacies, he somehow manages to keep a purity about him–a light that can’t be blown out, even when he’s the butt of a joke. Maybe it’s eagerness to fall in line with everyone else. Or maybe he’s just damn happy to be where he is, with awesome friends. Whatever the case, Fez is a beam of optimism and relentlessness. You might resist him once, but that doesn’t mean you’ll resist him when he tries to woo you for a second time. There may even be a third, fourth and fifth time. After all, he worshiped Jackie for eight years, even through her relationships with his best friends, Hyde and Kelso. With Fez, you won’t ever have to worry about him losing any desire.
And he’s always a gentleman. Remember when Kelso ignored Jackie’s complaint about the cold? Sweet Fez was listening and gave up his jacket upon Kelso’s disregard.
Fez is rhythmically advanced, so expect a night out on the dance floor in the finest polyester threads money can buy. He can give you a little bit of merengue, tango and disco, so be sure to brush up on your moves to keep up with this hot boy. If you’re lucky, he might even serenade you with a song from his native land…wherever that is.
Well, who will it be? Eric, Hyde, Kelso or Fez? Let us know who your choice ’70s hottie is in the comments.
Oh, and maybe you should leave through the front door, all that “incense” the boys are burning will have you stuck in an extended laughing fit.